


Merc Vs Metal: Sideswipe Gets 'Pooled

by RodimusDoctor



Series: Merc Vs Metal [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-12 08:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7094500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RodimusDoctor/pseuds/RodimusDoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cemetery Wind, the elite commando unit formed after the Battle of Chicago, hunt Transformers still on Earth. They've hit a snag - the Autobot Sideswipe has escaped their clutches, and resources to chase him are slim. Howard Attinger, former head of the CIA and director of Cemetery Wind, looks to outside help to deal with the situation... a mercenary with a mouth named Deadpool!</p><p>Deadpool hunts Sideswipe. Chaos ensues. A Dinobot becomes involved. An adorable little dog gets cut in half (but not for several chapters). And they all wind up going to... well, that'd be telling!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Miami Incident

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place before the events of Transformers: Age of Extinction.

Harold Attinger, former head of the CIA, sat in the back of his limousine, fuming. His driver stayed silent and kept his eyes on the road; he knew when his boss was having a ‘rough one’.

James Savoy, commander of Cemetary Wind, was down. Reports were sketchy as to how it had happened. Wind had tracked a group of Autobots to Miami, then moved in for the kill. Two targets - designations Knockout and Longarm - had been neutralized, but the third - designation Sideswipe - had managed to escape. In doing so, Agent James Savoy had been critically injured. The man was a valuable asset, and Attinger had faith he’d pull through. For now, though, Cemetery Wind had lost its leader.

And there was another wrinkle. Reports had come in that another contingent of Autobots - including their leader, Optimus Prime - had been tracked to Mexico. Prime was a high-value target; the bulk of Cemetary Wind had been dispatched to intercept. That meant they had no one to pursue Sideswipe, and that Autobot had to be taken out before he could recover from his injuries and go to ground.

So far, the Autobots knew very little about the forces sent against them. Attinger intended to keep it that way for as long as possible. He’d put out a call for a mercenary to handle the Miami situation, and he was about to meet the one candidate who had seemed - by reputation - up to the task.

The limo pulled in to U. L. # 84, one of many CIA undisclosed locations used for storing and researching alien technology. Attinger had been on his way to 84 anyway for an inspection - his other Asset had provided a couple of specimens for an upcoming initiative - and the facility had seemed the perfect spot to meet with his mercenary. 

Attinger got out of the car and went in. An aide intercepted him on his way to the main briefing room.

“Is he up to speed?” Attinger asked before the aide could insult him with pleasantries.

“Yes, sir. He signed the necessary non-disclosure documents, and we left him to watch the video we prepared for...”

“How did he take it?”

“Well, when he realized the target was an alien robot,” the aide told him, “he simply said, sweet.”

Attinger frowned. Not the reaction he was expecting, but promising none the less. If the merc wasn’t put off at the prospect of fighting an Autobot, he had to be either confident or crazy. Perhaps both.

The aide ran ahead a few steps and opened the briefing room door. Attinger strode inside to meet his gun-for-hire.

The merc sat on the briefing room table, watching the video of the Battle of Chicago with rapt attention. He wore a red costume, complete with mask and gloves, and had two swords sheathed on his back. His mask was halfway rolled up - he appeared to be eating a taco. The shell debris on the table around him suggested he’d had several.

“Wow,” the merc said. “Someone’s gotta make toys of these guys.”

Attinger cleared his throat. When that failed to elicit a response, he cleared it again.

“Keep it down, willya?” the hired gun said. “This is the good bit.”

“The good... that’s footage of people dying. American citizens!” Attinger snapped. “I don’t think I’d describe such loss of life as ‘the good bit’!”

“I would,” the merc replied. “I’ve watched this five times now. I can’t get enough of it!

“Oh, and would you have a word with your mess hall? These tacos are okay, but I’m more of a chimmy/burrito man, you get me?”

Attinger sighed. He’d been warned this merc had a mouth.

“I am not here to feed you, Mr....” he consulted his clipboard, “Wilson.”

“Deadpool,” the merc corrected. “Call me Deadpool.”

“Mr. Wilson,” Attinger said, “you were brought here to do a job, the termination and retrieval of one of these Transformers...”

“Yeah, Transformers, great name!” Deadpool said. “Like GoBots, only much cooler.”

“I was led to understand you were the best freelancer for this assignment,” Attinger went on. “Are you?”

“Oh, you bet we are!” Deadpool leapt off the table and offered Attinger a big grin. “Just point me and I’ll shoot, Mayor Tom Kane. Won’t be the first alien I’ve aced.”

“Very well,” Attinger said, wincing at the sight of the merc’s lower face. No wonder he wore that mask! “This is your target.” He took a remote from his pocket and changed the onscreen image. It was a still from the Battle of Chicago, displaying a silver robotic entity. “Designation, Sideswipe. Armed with projected energy weapons from his arms, a missile rack above his head, and two swords.”

“A ‘bot after my own heart,” Deadpool said, unsheathing Bea and Arthur and matching Sideswipe’s stance from the image. “What does he turn into?”

“Last sighting was as a Corvette Stingray convertible,” Attinger changed the image to the car in question. “Before that, a non-convertible. They can scan and replicate any vehicle of comparable size and mass, so he might have taken a new form by now. However, he was wounded; our intel says they use their fuel - energon - for repairs as well as reconfiguration. Likely he’s kept the same form, perhaps with cosmetic changes, to focus on healing. You will be issued with an energon detector to find him, and sabot rounds for your weapons to terminate him.”

“Can I have one of those flying alien gun-ship thingies?” Deadpool asked hopefully. “Like they had in Chicago?”

“No,” Attinger said. “We need this handled discreetly. You are to engage the target away from urban centres, with as few witnesses as possible. Once the target has been terminated, you will signal a recall team to collect the carcass. Is that understood?”

“Skippy, Captain Dodge,” Deadpool said. “Where is ‘Wipey-boy now?”

 

With the briefing over, and Deadpool on his way to collect his armaments, Attinger carried out his inspection. The results were promising - the two specimens were ready for testing, and could possibly be utilized by Cemetery Wind in the near future.

Attinger put in a call to the mess hall on his way back up to the U.L.’s ground floor.

“No, I don’t want tacos!” he thundered. “Get me a cup of coffee. And it had better be there by the time I reach the surface!”

Thermos of coffee in hand, Attinger prepared to leave. He stepped outside and expected to find his limo; instead, he found his driver on the ground, a fresh black eye on his face.

“What the devil?” Attinger said. “What happened here, man?”

The driver pointed to the dust cloud receding into the distance.

“Red guy,” he said. “With swords.”

Attinger brought his palm to his face and swore mightily. This whole mess was rapidly degenerating into a fiasco.

“Well, find another car!” he snapped at his driver. He didn’t add, “or get a new job,” but it was heavily implied.

 

So, Deadpool asked himself, why did we swipe The Boss’s car, exactly?

The limo was doing multiples of the speed limit and still accelerating. A cop had tried to chase him and gave up ten minutes ago.

“Firstly,” the mouthy merc answered himself, “he’s not my boss. I am beholden to nobody.”

Maybe, he replied, but he be holdin’ the cheque. Which he might tear up if we trash his ride.

“It was a tactically sound decision!” Deadpool said. “I mean, look at the speed this thing is doing. I figure this car is all decked out like one of those S.H.I.E.L.D. SUVs. Check this out.”

He drew a pistol with his right hand and fired on the passenger window. The bullet ricoched around the car before coming to rest in Deadpool’s gut.

“Ow!” he cried. “See?”

I see a roadblock ahead...

And there was one. The cop who’d given up the chase had radioed Highway Patrol, who’d set four cruisers on the road immediately in front of the limo.

A moment later, the limo was on the other side of the roadblock, and the four cruisers were in the ditch, smashed all to fuck heaven.

“What road block?” Deadpool said triumphantly. “Barely slowed down, didn’t even bend a fender.”

That was pretty awesome.

“I know, right?”

Attinger’s still going to be pissed.

“He’ll get over it,” Deadpool said, “when I ram this baby up Sideswipe’s ass.”

 

Not that far away, Sideswipe rested and licked his wounds, blissfully unaware of the world of hurt coming his way...


	2. Punishment In The Parking Garage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sideswipe, wounded Autobot warrior, takes refuge in an underground Wal-Mart parking garage. Deadpool, merc with a mouth, finds him. Things blow up real bad, and Sideswipe is forced to make some modifications to himself...

Sideswipe hid in plain sight in the underground parking lot of a Wal Mart outside of St. Augustine, Florida. He’d taken the farthest corner he could find on the lowest level, and was letting his energon do its work.

It was a tactically unsafe move. The enemy - the new human enemy - had all the gear that NEST had possessed, including energon detectors. The longer he remained active and online, the longer he’d be visible to anyone hunting him.

It could not be helped, however. Though on the outside he appeared to be a used but still viable red Stingray, inside he was a scraplet-infested wreck. His comm system was down - he couldn’t call for help - and his holo-projector was offline. Without the appearance of a driver, especially given he was a convertible, well... he might as well have a neon sign above him saying Robot In Disguise. Until he got the projector working again, he had to sit tight.

Sideswipe scanned the other vehicles around him. None of them were appealing as a new form, which of course would make them perfect. It would be a long time before he’d have the energon to actually replicate a new form, which was another huge problem, but it was good to be prepared with some scan selections when the time came.

Until that time, his disguise was no disguise at all. A human agent familiar with NEST files could identify him on sight, red body or no. That’s what had led to the ambush that had put him in his current condition, and cost Knockout and Longarm their lives. He needed a new form soon, among all the other things.

One thing at a time, he told himself. It was a bitter pill; patience was not one of Sideswipe’s virtues. Neither was contemplation. There wasn’t much to do except think, however, and all his brain wanted to ask was: could he have saved Knockout?

He knew he could not have saved Longarm. The attack had been completely unexpected, and the tow truck bot had taken the first hit. Sideswipe had assumed Decepticons - they had gone to Miami to hunt them - and had not registered the humans in the area as a threat. That was why he’d taken the second hit. And it got bad after that. Knockout had held his own - he turned into a motorcycle, and was a much smaller target - and when Sideswipe had got back on his feet, he’d thought they might’ve had a chance.

Too late, he’d seen the human aiming the jeep-mounted minigun. Sideswipe had fired, destroying the jeep and sending the human - Savoy - flying. Savoy had already started firing, however, and Knockout had been removed - permanently - from the field.

The destruction of Savoy’s jeep had created a small window in the humans’ gauntlet. Sideswipe had leapt for it, then transformed and escaped. Not without taking a few more hits, however. Only his superior speed had saved him.

After that, hiding had become his number one priority. Healing, second.

Now he was hidden, and healing. The humans’ surveillance technology was primitive yet surprisingly sophisticated; it was just a matter of time before they found him. It was simply a question of what shape he’d be in when they did.

Sideswipe did another quick scan of the surrounding area. There were a few humans milling about closer to the store’s entrance, and a couple of cars drove slowly through the lot. One of them headed for the exit. The other - a black limo - came his way. It stopped right in front of him, and the driver got out.

“Hi!” said the human. “You wouldn’t happen to be a robot in disguise, would ya?”

Sideswipe groaned inwardly; he’d been made. No doubt the red-costumed human before him worked for Cemetery Wind, the ones who’d killed his fellow Autobots. He wore a mask, numerous holsters, and had twin swords attached to his back - a fleshling after my own heart, Sideswipe thought.

He decided to play dumb, at least until the human made a threatening move.

“I’m pretty sure you are,” the red-clad human said, “but if I’m wrong, I apologize for...” And then he hefted a gym bag into Sideswipe’s front seat. A quick scan revealed it to be full of C-4 explosive.

The human ducked back inside the limo and slammed the door. Sideswipe began to transform...

The explosion was huge but focused, flattening the Autobot into the pavement and knocking a hole in the ceiling above him. The limo was blasted back a metre, its doors dented and paintwork scorched, but otherwise fully intact.

Sideswipe groaned, out loud this time. That had hurt. A lot. He tried to rise...

But then, everything that had been parked in the spot above him came crashing down through the hole in the ceiling and slammed him back down. It was a pickup truck, its bed filled with steel girders. And its cab full of more C-4 explosive.

Luckily for Sideswipe, the second explosion disintegrated most of the truck and sent the girders flying, reducing the weight pressing down on top of him considerably.

Unfortunately, the explosion weakened the ceiling above the parking space above Sideswipe. Which meant the ceiling of the parking space above Sideswipe began to crumble and give way, dumping its contents down through the two holes.

Those contents turned out to be a cement mixer.

“Unng!” Sideswipe cried as the mixer landed barrel-first on his back. He’d been crushed, his armour compromised and his shields collapsing. He couldn’t feel his legs - wasn’t sure he still had legs. What had been a bad situation before had now become hopeless.

The limo still sat on the concrete in front of him. It was dented, burnt and gritty but otherwise miraculously undamaged. Sideswipe suspected it was armoured like a tank, but he couldn’t scan to confirm it - those systems were offline.

The limo door opened and the red-suited merc stepped out.

“You’re probably wondering, how did a mere fleshbag human manage to so completely and comprehensively kick my alien robot ass,” the merc said. “Planning, preparation, and just generally being more awesome than you.”

Sideswipe felt the rage burning in his spark. Humans like this one had killed two of his friends. And he was joking about it?

“Not that much more awesome, though,” the merc went on. “I mean, you are a giant transforming robot. With swords. That is so very cool.”

“You like my swords?” Sideswipe growled, freeing one from its sheath.

“It’s painful that I have to kill you,” the merc went on, “but...”

“Not as much as this!” Sideswipe thrust his blade forward and speared the human through the entire chest. He regretted it instantly - Autobots weren’t supposed to hurt or kill humans - but this was war and his survival was on the line.

Sideswipe wiped his sword on the limo door, scraping the red-costumed human off the blade. Then he slid the tip under the merc’s body and tossed him back inside his car.

Having dealt with the immediate threat, Sideswipe looked around and assessed his immediate situation. The parking lot had cleared out following the explosions, but the authorities were no doubt on their way. And more humans like this one, trained to hunt and kill him.

He had to leave. But first he had to get free. His left arm and leg were pinned under the cement mixer, along with most of his back. Sideswipe started hacking at the construction vehicle - just pretend it’s Mixmaster, he thought - to try and eliminate some of its mass. In doing so he shaved a section out of the drum, and hardening concrete began to pour out.

Sideswipe felt the first stirrings of panic as the half-liquid, half solid covered him. Then he realized the truck was getting lighter. If he waited, the mixer would continue to empty out and become lighter still. At the same time, however, the hardening material would trap him more definitively than the vehicle on top of him.

Sideswipe struggled furiously, and managed to free a couple of inches. It was hopeless - the mixer was still too heavy.

Time for desperate measures. Sideswipe took his sword and jammed the blade into his left shoulder. He screamed, then screamed louder when he wrenched the sword like a lever and tore his arm from the socket. Then he turned his torso, pushing against the mixer until he could see his trapped leg. It was awkward, but he managed to stab his leg below the knee joint. Howling in agony, he levered the sword while pushing and pulling with all his might. The leg tore free, and Sideswipe rolled out from under the truck.

He lay there a few moments, then forced himself to move. The concrete was hardening; he scraped as much off his body as he could. He was free, but it had literally cost him an arm and a leg. It was unlikely he could crawl away before more armed humans arrived.

Across the lot, Sideswipe saw a 1990’s VW Beetle. The other vehicle scans he’d taken were useless; given his loss in mass, they were too big for him. The Beetle, however, was now the perfect size for him. A disguise was the only foreseeable way he was getting out of this, but he just didn’t have the energon.

But the limo might. When the humans had attacked him in Miami, some of them had wielded projected energy weapons that had clearly been reverse-engineered from cybertronian tech. Possibly even with a similar - and compatible - power source. And if this merc was indeed from Cemetery Wind...

He searched the limo. Tried to force the trunk with his sword, then chose the far easier method of pushing the button on the dash. The trunk popped open, revealing a selection of gear inside. Including three PEWs.

Sideswipe grabbed the weapons, accessed their power sources and absorbed the energon-like substance within.

It wasn’t much, but it was enough. Sideswipe scanned the VW Beetle, then activated his mass-redistribution subroutine. He would have two arms and legs again, but it would cost him height and body size. Sideswipe transformed, chose the colour yellow, and made his way out of the parking garage.

 

Deadpool could heal from any injury, but some took longer than others. His entire chest, trunk and torso had been punctured and run through. That wasn’t something you could just walk away from. At least, not for ten minutes.

After five he regained consciousness, just in time to see Sideswipe transform and escape. A yellow VW Bug? And not even the classic kind? C’mon, Wiper, where’s your sense of style?

When he was finally able to stand, Deadpool took inventory. Apparently there’d been a bunch more guns in the trunk. All useless now. The van had been obliterated, and the cement mixer was a write-off. The arm and leg pinned under it, however, were another matter.

Police were coming. He saw flashlight beams probing the hole in the ceiling. This was not something he wanted to explain to local law enforcement. He needed to grab those robot limbs and get moving.

No problem. Except there’s a cement mixer on top of them, dumbass. Why d’you think Wiper chopped them off in the first place?

And don’t forget the cement, too! Even if you had the superhuman strength to lift the mixer, which you don’t, how are you going to get the limbs out of the almost-solid cement?

“Why do I even want the limbs?” Deadpool asked himself. “I should leave ‘em and go after Wipey-boy before he gets too big of a head start.”

Because robot limbs are cool!

“Oh yeah,” Deadpool said.

“Freeze!”

Deadpool looked over his shoulder and saw a number of police officers advancing on him, guns drawn.

“This would be a really great time for an explosion,” Deadpool said, pulling out his detonator. “Let’s see, we used up the gym bag...”

...and the C-4 in the cab of the pickup...

“...but what about the C-4 I stuffed into the cab of the mixer?”

“Put your hands UP!” said the oncoming cops.

Deadpool flicked the switch on his detonator, and there was another really loud bang.

 

When Deadpool had literally pulled himself back together, he found very little obstruction between the robot limbs and him. The cops were still out cold (or dead). Deadpool grabbed the arm and leg, stuffed them in the limo’s back seat, and got out of what was left of the parking garage.

The limo itself looked a lot worse but still functioned well, and before long Deadpool was back on the road. The energon sensor continued to beep; he was on the right track. It would not be long before he found Sideswipe again, and finished him off.

 

Only it was. Deadpool was barely out of the town limits before the energon readings faded to nothing. The enemy had gone to ground, and switched himself off.

All wasn’t lost. Deadpool knew Sideswipe’s approximate location, and he knew what the Autobot’s current alt mode looked like. He was probably the only one who did. And unless Wipemaster knew about his healing factor, he’d assume he was dead.

Advantage, Deadpool!

Now, if I was a yellow VW Beetle,” Deadpool asked himself, “where would I hide?”


	3. Operation Make Up For Dolphin Screwup And Come Out Smelling Like Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sideswipe, now smaller and disguised as a yellow 90s VW Beetle, finds a new place to hide. Deadpool tries to find him, and Howard Attinger chews him out for screwing up. Multiple Kelsey Grammar references ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS - A dolphin gets killed in this chapter. Don't worry, though - it happens off-page.

With a small jolt of energon, Sideswipe returned to partial awareness. He’d gone offline for three hours, long enough - he hoped - to put his pursuers off his scent. Now he felt he could resume his internal repairs.

It would be even slower going than before, but that couldn’t be helped. The more energon he used, the greater his chances of being detected. He’d learned that the hard way. At his current rate of use, a human with an energon sensor would have to be within a kilometer of his current position.

It was still a risk. However, he’d put a lot of thought and care into his new hiding place. No chance of getting cornered underground under a cement mixer this time!

Not when he was out in the open, hiding in plain sight among thousands of other cars in one of the biggest parking lots in the country. So big that vehicles called People Movers came by at regular intervals to take drivers and passengers from their cars to the main entrance of the compound.

There were humans around him constantly. Technically, he was putting them at risk just by being there. Beggars couldn’t be choosers, however, and it was war and he was wounded. Besides, the presence of the crowds would hopefully make his enemies reluctant to engage him. They’d have to clear the area, an action he was bound to notice with plenty of time to react.

It was the safest he was likely to be for the foreseeable future.

Sideswipe did a quick scan of his immediate surroundings and found no hostiles. Satisfied, he powered down his higher functions, leaving one repair subroutine running while he slept.

 

Deadpool had asked himself a simple question; if I were a wounded robot in the form of a yellow VW Bug, where would I hide? The answer had seemed extremely obvious, but an exhaustive search of the location and surrounding parking lot had proved Sideswipe had not been hiding out at Seaworld. That assumption had proven quite embarrassing.

Luckily the limo had its own camouflage features. With the touch of a button the car changed colour and flipped down a new license plate. It wasn’t a perfect disguise - it was still a banged-up limo - but it was better than nothing.

Another annoying factor of the car was its constant attempts to put Deadpool in contact with his employer. He’d disabled the radio, the MP3 player, the phone system, and even a walkie-talkie he’d found in the glove box, but still the car managed to pick up a signal and broadcast it into the front seat.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” came the angry (if cultured) voice of Harold Attinger. “First you steal my car, which I was prepared to forgive, but then you obliterate a Wal Mart parking garage in St. Augustine, and follow it up with a rampage through SeaWorld! And you go and decapitate a dolphin. In front of hundreds of children! Good god, man, I specified discretion!”

“Easy there!” the merc said. “Chill out. Pour yourself some Captain Morgan or something.”

“Don’t bate me, son!”

“I admit, the Sea World thing was a bad call,” Deadpool said. As he talked, he felt around the dashboard for the speaker. “But relax! This is of the books. No way to trace me back to you.”

Attinger was silent for a moment. He knows I’m right, Deadpool thought.

“What made you think he’d be at SeaWorld?” Attinger finally asked.

“Deductive reasoning,” Deadpool replied. There was no speaker in the front dash. At least, none he hadn’t already disabled. “He’d want the opposite of St. Augustine, somewhere he couldn’t get boxed in,” And somewhere a yuppie car like he is now wouldn’t stick out, he thought. “He had limited range - someone’s bound to notice a driverless car the longer he stays on the road. I figured that meant he’d still be in Florida. Somewhere out in the open where he could blend in, surrounded by other cars and a lot of potential civilian casualties for cover. SeaWorld. It seemed so obvious.”

The speaker above the seatbelt mechanism on his left side was already broken. He stabbed it again anyway.

“Don’t you think there’s an even more obvious location?” Attinger said.

“Cape Canaveral?” Deadpool said. “Gatorland?”

“Disney World, you idiot!”

“That would’ve been my very next guess!” Deadpool said, mentally bashing his head against a wall.

Ow! Cut that out.

“It just so happens I’m heading there now,” Deadpool went on, turning sharply and smashing through the median into the southbound lane. “I’ll...”

“You’ll do nothing,” Attinger snapped. “I’m assigning my Asset to the capture. You will surrender the car and the robot limbs, for which you will be compensated. Which is more than you deserve!”

“Hey! Whoa. Down periscope,” Deadpool said. “I’ll nail this guy. I nearly had him before he stabbed me. Don’t be such a beast and give me another chance.”

“You had your chance, you cretin!” Attinger said. “Why I ever agreed to let a Baskerville Hound like you off his leash, I will never understand. Return to the Miami bunker where, if you’re very lucky, I’ll give you a new job - the extermination of the cranial-depleted advisors who recommended you to me in the first place!”

The line went dead. Deadpool continued driving south, absorbing the conversation he’d just had.

Sooo..., his mind said after a thoughtful silence, you think he’s serious about whacking his advisors?

“Shut up,” Deadpool said. “Don’t be a...”

...cretin? Cranial-depleted Baskerville Hound? Which was kind of a cool reference to describe us, just off the top of his head, you know what I’m saying?

“Yeah,” he agreed. “He’s quite the phraser.”

He drove in mental silence for another mile.

So, we’re ignoring him and going after Wipey-Pants anyway, right?

“You bet we are!” Deadpool said. “Operation Make Up For Dolphin Screwup And Come Out Smelling Like Roses is officially a go.”


	4. The Amazing, Spectacular Medieval Spider-Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool arrives at Disney World, but gets distracted by a photo-op with kids who think he's Spider-Man. Hence this chapter's title. Lockdown sends an agent to hunt Sideswipe, while the Autobot makes his move on Deadpool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, this is the chapter where the dog gets it. Brace yourselves.

Attinger groaned inwardly as he activated his special comm. Talking to his ‘Asset’ was never pleasant; they always ended with him feeling inferior. Especially under circumstances where he had to ask for the cybertronian’s assistance.

“Lockdown, come in, please,” he said.

“Please yourself, human,” came the response. “What do you want?”

“I need your help,” Attinger said. Might as well get right to it.

“Of course you do,” the alien’s voice was throaty and reptilian, like he’d smoked a thousand cigarettes laced with snake venom.

“One of our targets escaped capture,” Attinger said. “Attempts at neutralizing him failed, and I can’t spare any men for a followup mission.”

“And I cannot spare myself,” Lockdown told him. “I’m tracking two signals that came down near your planet’s equator. I have reason to believe they are set to rendez-vous with Optimus Prime.”  
“My target may know Prime’s location,” Attinger pointed out. “Or at least where he was heading.”

“Give me the co-ordinates of your target,” Lockdown said. “I will send an agent to terminate him.”

“This needs to be handled carefully!” Attinger said. “Too much attention has already fallen on our operation, and the location is highly populated and visible. I’d feel more comfortable if you took care of this yourself.”

“I do not care how you feel,” Lockdown said. “I shall, however, ensure that your precious American People remain unharmed and unaware as I clean up yet another of your messes. Now give me the details.”

Attinger read off the data and disconnected. Then he looked for something to punch. It was times like these he missed the sweet release of toppling the democratically-elected leader of a third world country.

 

High above the Gulf of Mexico, Lockdown’s ship hovered in geosynchronous orbit. The gunmetal-coloured mechanoid paced the floor of his bridge, cursing the fates that had brought his race - and him - to this wretched flesh-infested world. One wounded Autobot should not have presented such a challenge to the reasonably-competent Cemetery Wind.

He looked back at his monitors. One screen showed the last known location of the Wreckers. They could wait. Another showed the most recent sighting of Bumblebee. As predicted, he’d gone back to his human friend. The trap was already closing around him. 

Jolt had thus far escaped detection. The same was true of Dino; he’d vanished like a mirage.

And then there was Optimus Prime himself. He’d escaped across the Gulf to Mexico with his medic, Ratchet. The Autobot who’d carried them - Depth Charge - had proved most informative after a few hours of torture. Now two more Transformers had arrived from space in that very same country.

Those four will converge, Lockdown thought, and then I shall have them.

But only if he stayed on top of the situation. Distractions like Sideswipe he could not afford. Lockdown considered and dismissed the idea of sending drones and Steeljaw units after him. They simply didn’t have the creativity that comes with full sentience, and were just as likely to wreck the mission as Attinger’s men.

That left him very few options. But he still had options. Time to go speak to his prisoners.

 

The Legendary Knights of the Prime Dynasty were some of the strongest and most barbaric warriors Lockdown had ever faced. And yet, their capture had been relatively easy. They’d been training a new recruit, a smaller bot who hadn’t yet devoted himself fully to their code of honour. Indeed, it had taken mere hours for Lockdown to break him. After that, the lesser Knight had been more than keen to lead his fellow warriors into an ambush.

Lockdown passed the cells where he kept the larger and older Knights. Torturing them - Grimlock, Strafe, Scorn and Slag - was amusing but pointless; they would never be turned. He’d tried on two of their fellows, but only succeeded in burning out their brains. The Creators wouldn’t want them in that state; he’d given them to Attinger to play with.

Lockdown stepped up to the young robot’s cell and rapped his scythe against the bars.

“Get up, Slash,” he said. “I have another job for you.”

 

Deadpool parked the limo as close to Disney World’s main entrance as possible, which was still half a mile away. And he’d had to cut off a family of four with a cute little Jack Russell terrier in an SUV to get that parking space, too. The mom and dad had been very annoyed, and had decided to let him know exactly how rude and inconsiderate he’d been. Their complaints had evaporated when Deadpool emerged from his car, and they’d seen all the heat he was packing.

That should have been the end of it - the parents should have fled back to their car in terror, and Deadpool would have slashed their tires and shot their dog just on principle.  
But then the kids got involved.

“Mommy, Daddy, lookit!” said a chubby 8-year-old boy with chocolate smeared around his mouth. “It’s Spider-Man!”

“Can we get a picture with him?” asked a similarly-chubby (but no less adorable) 6-year-old girl. “Canwe canwe pleeeeze?”

“Uh...” said Mom & Dad.

“Sure you can!” Deadpool said. “Cuz I’m Spider-Man, darned right I am. Thwip, thwip!” he added, making the web-shooting hand gesture while simultaneously wrapping both arms around the kids.

“Oh, ah... um, alright,” said Dad. “Honey, get the camera.”

“Yay!” said both kids.

Mom went to get the camera. The tiny Jack Russell walked up to Deadpool and tried to sniff his crotch, but only managed to get his nose as far as the merc’s left knee.

“Why does Spider-Man have swords?” the little girl asked.

“Huh? Oh, there’s a good explanation for that,” Deadpool said.

And that explanation would be...? Because you got us stumped.

“I’m Medieval Spider-Man!” Deadpool said. “A version of him from a hundred years ago. He uses swords. Web swords!”

“But you have guns,” the little boy prodded his left holster.

“Son, please don’t touch those!” said Dad.

“There weren’t guns in medieval times,” the little girl said.

There were at Medieval Times last month when I nailed that reenactment guy and banged five wenches, Deadpool reminisced with a warm smile.

“King Arthur and Lancelot didn’t have guns,” the boy added.

“True, they didn’t,” Deadpool said. “But Medieval Spider-Man does because... he’s from the future! He time-travels and fights medieval crime.”

“But Spider-Man would never shoot someone,” the boy said. “Why does he need guns?”

“For the dragons,” Deadpool said. It seemed to him that Mom was taking longer than necessary to get a camera from the car...

“Honey?” Dad said. Seemed it had occurred to him, too.

Mom looked around at them, and Deadpool saw the phone at her ear. Son of a dicktit! She was wasting his time yakking on the phone.

Or maybe she’s calling the cops, ass for brains.

“Hey, let’s make this photo into an action shot!” Deadpool said. He drew both pistols and pulled the kids in close. “You two pretend you’re really scared, like whoever MOMMY IS CALLING is coming to HURT YOU real BAD!”

Mom immediately hung up the phone.

“I was just... there’s a camera in my phone,” she stammered.

“Riiiiight,” Deadpool said. “Look, I’ve got ancient history crime to fight. Dragons, jousters, laser raptors...”

“Hurry, Mommy!” said the little girl. “Medieval Spidey has to go save people.”

“Why don’t you just take the picture so we can all go?” Dad said with a forced smile.

“I just need a moment to text... to focus,” Mom said. And she was clearly texting.

“Why don’t we pretend Daddy’s a villain?” Deadpool said, and he holstered a pistol and drew out a sword (Bea), and tapped the tip to Dad’s crotch.

“Aah!” Mom cried, and she dropped the phone. It hit the dog in the back and fell harmlessly to the pavement. The dog yelped and jumped, knocking Deadpool’s sword hand and causing him to slice open Dad’s pants.

“Aah!” Dad cried.

“Whoops!” said Deadpool. “Bad doggy!”

Dad sat down and clutched at his crotch. The Jack Russell turned around and shoved his muzzle in, and started to lick.

There’s something I’ll never unsee, Deadpool thought.

“Mom...?” he said. “Why don’t you take the GODDAMN picture RIGHT NOW!”

Mom snatched the phone up and willed her hands to stop shaking.

“Say cheese!” Deadpool hugged the kids closer, and Mom took the picture.

“There, good!” Deadpool released the children and re-holstered his weapons. “Now let’s all forget this whole thing ever happened, okay?”

“Lemmie see!” the little boy snatched the phone from Mom’s unresisting fingers.

“Spider-Man, your thing is beeping,” said the little girl.

“My thing?” Deadpool said, looking down. “Kid, it’s called a pe...” 

She’s not talking about your dick! She’s talking about the energon detector. Sideswipe’s here, and he just powered himself up!

“It’s my villain detector,” Deadpool said, trying to get a fix on the direction of the energon signal.

“Daddy?” said the little girl. Because Dad’s groin was bleeding.

“Hey, what’s that?” said the little boy. He pointed at the photo on the phone, where a meteor appeared to be zipping downward past ‘Spidey’s’ right shoulder...

 

Slash hit the ground in the middle of a movie-themed ride. A cloud of dirt mushroomed up around him, and rained down on a couple of nearby animatronics.

A short distance away, a cart carrying twenty tourists travelled through the jungle-like scene.

“What was that?” a tourist asked, pointing at the impact site.

“The comet that killed the dinosaurs?” asked a kid.

“No, stupid!” said another. “That didn’t happen in any of the movies.”

There was a logo and two words emblazoned on both sides of the ride cart. The logo featured the skeleton of a T-Rex, and the two words read, Jurassic World.

Slash reconfigured from planetfall to robot mode. He’d arrived intact, and hadn’t drawn too much attention to himself. So far, so good. Now he just needed an alt form to hunt for the Autobot undetected.

Beside him were two animatronic velociraptors. He scanned one, reconfigured into his disguise, and ran off in search of his prey.

 

Deadpool turned in the direction of his prey...

...just in time to take a metre-long sword to the chest.

“Aw, not again!” he said, looking up into the face of Sideswipe. The Autobot looked shorter than he had before, and had regrown his severed limbs. His body also sported different car kibble, reflecting his new alt form.

The kids screamed. So did Mom. Dad fainted; this was all much too much.

“It’s all right, humans!” Sideswipe said, hefting the impaled merc in the air and away from the family. “I’m an Autobot. This man is dangerous...”

“You killed Medieval Spider-Man!” the little boy cried.

Not good, Sideswipe thought, and he backed away. He needed to get out of here before more trouble came. At least this human - who wore the same costume as the other one he’d killed - was dead and no longer a threat.

Except that the dead costumed human was sliding his way off his sword. Sideswipe watched, dumbstruck, as Deadpool pushed himself the final inch and fell to the ground, blood and intestine blurping from the wound.

“Humans can do that?” the Autobot asked. “I thought a direct hit to your central fuel pump would kill you.”

“Well, now you know better,” Deadpool said, and he drew his right pistol and shot him in the face. It was a sabot bullet, and it tore through Sideswipe’s left eye and out the back of his head. The Autobot screamed, clutched at his face and staggered back. Deadpool tried to stand to finish the robot off, but something held him back.

“Hey!” he said, grabbing his intestines and trying to yank them from the Jack Russell’s mouth. The dog did not let go, and a furious tug of war took place.

Sideswipe recovered and readied his swords. The pain in his face and cranium was intense, but not enough to stop him. The human - Medieval Spider-Man? - was distracted in his fight for his internal organs, and didn’t see him coming. Sideswipe let fly with a vorpal swing...

...just as Deadpool fell back while yanking the dog off his feet and into the air, right where his neck had been.

The children screamed again, then cried. Mom just screamed.

“You killed the dog?!?” Deadpool said as he wiped its innards from his costume. “I’m an insane killer, and even I know that’s a dick move.”

“I... I didn’t mean...” Sideswipe said, taking a step back.

Deadpool shot out his other eye. Sideswipe screamed and fell back, then transformed. He couldn’t keep fighting in the proximity of humans. This Spider-human was impossibly hard to kill. And he was a really good shot.

Deadpool started to give chase, tripped on some intestine and fell face-first to the ground. He sat back up and sorted through the mess of innards, trying to separate his own from the dog’s.

“Don’t you worry, kids!” he said as he gathered himself back up. “Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man will stop that robot villain who killed your dog.” He ran off, stuffing his guts in as he went.

“Get him, Spidey!” the little boy called after him.


	5. It’s A Small Disney World After All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slash discovers that his velociraptor disguise isn't much of a disguise at all while he and Deadpool close in on the wounded Sideswipe from opposite directions. Micky Mouse takes a couple of hits. And should I mention what happens to Olaf? Nah, nothing happens to him, he gets away fine. The Captain Nemo ride, on the other hand...

Slash was not having an easy time of navigating the amusement park pathway. He couldn’t understand; he’d taken a form native to this world, yet as he ran through the park the humans screamed and ran from him like he was some kind of vicious predator. Passing unnoticed among them was not working out at all.

There was nothing for it but to increase speed and get to the energon reading as quickly as possible. The sooner he found and killed the Autobot, the sooner he could escape this place.

A vehicle moved to intercept him. It had a flashing light on its roof, the word Security on the front, and four humans armed with projectile weapons inside. Their intent seemed hostile; the vehicle blocked his path and all four humans leapt out, weapons ready.

“Holy shit!” one of them cried. “It really is a raptor.”

Slash considered transforming and dispatching these aggressive yet clearly terrified fleshlings, but Lockdown had insisted he keep a low profile. That was no longer an option, obviously, but killing these creatures would delay him while drawing more attention to himself. Best to just avoid them.

Slash charged at full speed, then jumped. The form he’d chosen had a lot more leg strength than he’d been expecting; he sailed over the surprised humans and their transport, and over the wall several metres behind them. There was a lagoon on the other side of the wall, and Slash splashed down into it.

Under the surface, Slash saw four submarines driving around and through the lagoon on a track. Each was filled with a cross-section of humanity, large and small, peering out the portholes. They pointed at him and waved as he swam past; some giggled while others stared at him in confusion.

Even underwater, he stood out.

Slash swam to the other end of the lagoon, following the energon signal. It seemed to be coming closer even as he approached it - his quarry was unknowingly heading right to him!  
Slash felt giddy with anticipation of the kill, and so did not exercise as much care as he should have while using one of the subs as a stepping stone out of the lagoon. One of his claws cut right through the submarine’s metal, just below the water line. Water poured into the vehicle; as Slash hopped up and out of the water, he heard the humans inside screaming.  
He paused, hesitated. His mission was ahead, but behind were lives that he’d endangered. Abandoning them to their fate would be dishonourable. But if the Autobot escaped, Lockdown would kill him. Or worse, not kill him...

No. Lockdown’s tortures had caused him to give up his fellow Knights. He’d lost his honour then. He would regain some of it now, whatever the cost. Slash turned and leapt back into the lagoon.  
The submersible was flooding slowly - no more than a foot of water had got in - and the staff operating the Captain Nemo ride had already activated the emergency procedure to raise the damaged vehicle. The passengers of Nautilus 4 were moments from safety.

Slash knew none of this - he transformed, brandished his twin axes and sliced the sub open.

The sub flooded in seconds. The panic of the passengers skyrocketed, especially when they saw the creature reaching into grab them. Why, Slash wondered, are these humans resisting my efforts to rescue them? Then he realized his robot mode was likely frightening them, and he transformed back into a velociraptor.

That didn’t seem to improve the situation. Several of the smaller humans started drowning in their terror to get away from the dinobot. That made them less resistant to his efforts to grab them and pull them out, but could they be revived when he got them to the surface?

Fortunately some of the larger humans finally got themselves in the game; they grabbed the smaller ones and forced their way past Slash out of the sub on their way to the surface. That made the dinobot’s job much easier. He grabbed the last few stragglers and hauled them out and up.

Many humans had gathered around the lagoon. Most were gawkers, but more than a few were professional Disneyland emergency workers. Slash felt the humans were in good hands, so he climbed out of the water and continued on his way.

Several gawkers took pictures of him - and more than one dialed a very special phone number they’d seen on numerous billboards...

 

Attinger held the phone to his ear, listened, then groaned inwardly. An alien shaped like a dinosaur had been seen and photographed at Disneyland, after causing an incident that had nearly cost several children their lives. The alien in question was too small to be Sideswipe.

Lockdown had mentioned sending an agent...

It could of course be an unrelated alien sighting, coincidentally happening at the same place and time. Attinger didn’t believe in coincidence.

“What shall we do, sir?” said the lackey on the other end of the phone call.

“Do we have any units in the area?” Attinger asked.

“No, sir. The Miami compound is the closest, and it’ll take...”

Attinger hung up. Contacted Lockdown. The Asset did not respond.

He called Miami General. Savoy still hadn’t regained consciousness.

Damn. Last resort. He called his limo. But Deadpool didn’t respond either.

 

Deadpool sat on a people mover between an elderly lady and her grandchildren. He held his guts in with one hand and pointed his assault rifle at the driver with the other.

Both grandchildren had already wet their pants. So had grandma.

They’d entered the park a minute ago, and were cruising down the main path away from the entrance gates. Sideswipe drove erratically up ahead, like a drunk driver, causing panic among the visitors and staff alike.

“Can’t this thing go any faster?” the mouthy merc moaned.

“This is our top speed!” the driver cried, risking a glance at the gun pointed at him and immediately regretting it.

“Well, it’s not fast enough!” Deadpool said. “Make it go faster, or I’ll...” What? Shoot him? He’s already scared of that.

Shoot a passenger? Most of ‘em are kids. We’re an asshole, but there’s stuff even we won’t do. Ditto the parents.

Grandma Pisspants here? C’mon, she’ll probably die of a heart attack before this is over anyway.

No. Just no.

“Or you’ll what, sir?” the driver asked meekly.

“Or I’ll do to you,” Deadpool stood up and aimed, “what I’m about to do to Mickey!”

One staff member running away from the Autobot, and toward the people mover, was decked out in a full Mickey Mouse costume, complete with giant smiling head. Deadpool shot both his big round ears off. Mickey spun one way and then the other with each impact before collapsing to the ground. The employee inside screamed as the head ignited; Deadpool’s rife was still loaded with sabot rounds.

“Got it?” the merc shouted at the driver, who did far worse to his pants than grandma and her kids.

“Itdoesn’tgoanyfasterIswearitdoesn’t!”

“Just... don’t lose that car,” Deadpool said.

Luckily it did not look like following the Autobot would be a problem. The way he weaved around on the path ahead, it was clear the wounds Deadpool had inflicted had taken a huge toll. Sideswipe wasn’t driving very fast, either; clearly he was trying not to hurt anybody, or at least put the people in as little danger as possible. Failing miserably, for sure, but definitely trying.

Which was strange. Attinger hadn’t said as much, but the person who’d contacted Deadpool had said the target was a threat to humanity. The video he’d seen, while extremely cool, had given the clear impression that alien robot = bad guy.

So why wasn’t Sideswipe simply driving through the tourists at top speed? If someone like me were chasing me, he thought, that’s exactly what I’d do.

Deadpool was starting to have second thoughts, but a job was a job. Best not to think about it too much; the faster he finished it, the better. Now, if only the Autobot would crash into something and allow him to catch up.

 

Sideswipe liked to think of himself as a cool customer, the calm in the storm. For most of his life, he had been.  
Not anymore. The Autobot was near panic as he raced through the crowd of humans, with no destination other than distancing himself from the mercenary on his tail. He wanted to drive faster but dared not; his sensory array was spotty, especially his vision. He had secondary optics in his vehicle form, but the shock to his system of having his primaries shot out had forced him to do a system reboot. He was relying on sonic, olfactory circuits and other sensors to “see” what was around him. He needed just a little more time for his optics to go back on line.  
He did not get it.

Sideswipe detected an energon signature coming right at him. He had no time to consider the implications or possibilities of such an encounter, or even to take evasive action. The cybertronian was on him, landing on his front hood and digging in with steel-rending claws.

“Get off me!” Sideswipe shouted, swerving to shake his attacker off.

“No way,” Slash told him before hammering his raptor head through the Autobot’s windshield. “Time to die, Sideswipe!”

He knows my name, the Autobot thought as he steered to avoid some humans. Who is this guy? Don’t recognize the voice... Doesn’t matter. Just get rid of him.

Sideswipe scanned around for an area with as few humans as possible, found one in a nearby building, and drove right through the wall into an arena with a floor made of frozen liquid.

Into the middle of a performance of Frozen: On Ice. Actor/skaters dressed as Olaf, the sisters and the moose scattered as the Autobot hit his brakes and skidded across the icy stage.

Slash hooked a claw into Sideswipe’s steering wheel and pulled. The Autobot spun to the left and flipped over, finally dislodging the dinosaur. It also sent Sideswipe crashing toward the audience. And while the ice stage had very few humans present, the audience in their seats was quite large.

Sideswipe transformed, dug his swords into the ice and managed to stop himself with a metre to spare. The Autobot tried to stand on the ice, slipped, and while trying to regain his balance Slash slammed into his back and pitched him forward. Sideswipe threw his arms out to stop his fall, remembered his swords were still out, and drove them into the floor between two seats and narrowly missed two humans.

By now, most of the audience had realized the robots were not part of the show. A few had even come from Chicago, and knew the aliens for what they were. Panic erupted; humans poured toward the exits like a flesh tsunami, except for those too terrified to move.

Like the two humans caught between Sideswipe’s blades. A father and his daughter. Both wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

Sideswipe tried to pull his swords free, but they were stuck fast. Slash, still on his back, had no such concern. He sank his teeth into the Autobot’s shoulder, and Sideswipe cried out in pain. He threw himself backward and slammed Slash into the ice, then reached over his head and grabbed the dinobot’s neck. Sideswipe flipped himself over, wrenched the raptor loose and tossed him away from the humans and across the arena. Then he followed up with a plasma round from his remaining arm blaster.

Slash, already back on his feet, took the blast in his right side and was flung into the far wall. Sideswipe hoped like hell he’d kicked the fight out of the smaller robot’s ass, and returned his attention to his swords.

“I’ll have you free in a moment,” he told the humans. The dad nodded dumbly. The little girl screamed. Sideswipe pulled on his weapons, and all at once they came free so suddenly the Autobot fell backward.

Which was why the sabot round missed him. It punched through a seat four rows up, and the surrounding seats ignited.

“Damn!” shouted Deadpool. He stood in the hole in the wall Sideswipe had made when he’d smashed his way in, his assault rifle in his hands. He took aim again, but the Autobot didn’t give him the chance. Sideswipe shot first, and only the fact that his optics hadn’t fully repaired saved Deadpool from being blown to bits. Instead the plasma round landed just short of the costumed merc, obliterating a large chunk of ice and flinging Deadpool backward and out of the building.

But not before he got a shot off. It went wild, hit the curtains above the arena stage before punching a hole in the ceiling. The curtains burst into flame.

Sideswipe turned back to the humans. He’d hoped they’d have made for the exit by now, but no such luck. The little girl continued to scream in her seat while her dad tried to coax her to her feet without success.

Equipment began falling from above the ice. A light dropped, swung on its cord before detaching, and flew straight at the two humans. Sideswipe swatted it away, and it smashed on the ice.  
“Time to go, people!” the Autobot said, and he leaned over and reached for dad and daughter while transforming. With them safely inside, Sideswipe drove over the seats and away. As he approached the wall, he rolled out his blaster and (after scanning to make sure no one was behind the wall) blasted an escape route. He raced through the hole into whatever was on the other side, praying to Primus it was safer than where they’d been.


	6. Sideswipe’s New Groove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sideswipe vs. Slash! Slash vs. Deadpool!! Deadpool vs. Sideswipe!!! Humans caught in the middle!!!! More exclamation points!!!!!
> 
> Who will live? Who will die? Who will end up with their head in Deadpool's pants? Is that a spoiler? Possibly! Just read the damn story. This bit's really exciting!

Deadpool watched the Autobot escape. He’d arrived back in the arena in time to see his quarry spiriting two humans away. Hostages? His gut told him no.

He’s saving them, he realized. That dangerous, world-killing monster just rescued two people from the inferno the theatre was rapidly becoming.

There was no doubt about it - Sideswipe was a good guy.

And that means you’ve been trying to kill a good guy. Dick move, dude.

“Yeah,” Deadpool said, “but a dick move that’s gonna pay for all the burritos we can eat for the rest of our life. And we can’t die.”

The point is, there’s more to this than meets the eye.

“Yeah? Well in case it missed your eye, he’s getting away.”

Crap! And there’s a velociraptor running after him.

“Holy shitnipples!” Deadpool said, watching the smoking and clearly wounded raptor as it hobbled to the other hole in the wall where Sideswipe had gone.

“Huh. Never a dull moment.”

Deadpool ran into the burning building after them.

 

Sideswipe had hoped the hole in the wall he’d created would have led him and his human passengers back outside. No such luck. Instead, he found himself in the middle of a ride. Sideswipe fell four feet and landed in a channel of water, right in front of a cart full of tourists. They were screaming and pointing - he guessed they’d seen the wall explode - and were no doubt concerned they would crash into him.

Sideswipe activated the emergency buoyancy in his tires; they swelled to twice their size, and allowed the Autobot to be carried along by the channel’s current.

There were a couple of empty seats in the ride cart behind him. If he could get his passengers into that cart, they’d be safe and sound (relatively speaking), and no longer his responsibility.

No problem, Sideswipe thought. And then the tunnel plunged downwards. The humans inside him screamed as he spun around and around in the current before hitting another level bit of tunnel with a splash. The ride cart was right behind them; it slammed into Sideswipe’s left side with a jarring thunk, jolting all the humans violently.

Time to go, Sideswipe thought, before anything else...

Slash splashed down at the bottom of the slope and swam after them. Come on, Sideswipe thought. Didn’t I kill you already?

It was an unsettling trend.

The tunnel suddenly opened out into a large, well-lit cavern. It looked like a laboratory, with oversized beakers and test-tubes on oversized tables. Each test tube had a picture of an animal on it.

The channel curved, carrying Sideswipe and the cart of humans around and then through the laboratory. A voice-over started:

“We found Yzma’s lab! Pacha, help me find the formula that’ll make me human again.”

“What about these ones over here?” asked a different voice that sounded identical to an old friend of Sideswipe’s. “Let’s see, bears, lions and tigers...”

“Oh my,” said a third voice that was sultry, yet scary beyond all reason. “Looking for this?” Ahead, a light illuminated a test tube above the channel, one that had a humanoid form on it.

It looked within reach. Sideswipe transformed and leapt up, holding the two humans in one arm and reaching with the other. He drove his hand into the (fortunately plastic) test tube side and held on. When the ride cart passed beneath him, he dropped the father and child down into it. They landed safely if uncomfortably; Sideswipe swung himself away from the water channel and into the lab set. He landed on the table with the other oversized test tubes, and his weight crushed it to the set floor.

Sideswipe brandished both swords and readied his blaster. Slash jumped out of the water and transformed to robot mode, landing in front of the Autobot with twin axes drawn.

“Who are you?” Sideswipe asked. “Are you working with Cemetery Wind? What do you want with me?”

“I’m Slash,” the dinobot said. “A Cybertronian Knight. I have to kill you.”

“Why?” the Autobot asked, but Slash had already begun his attack. Fine, Sideswipe thought as he parried the dinobot’s axes.

Let’s dance.

 

Deadpool stared into the hole in the wall of the Frozen: On Ice arena, and saw no sign of either his quarry or the raptor. Had the raptor even been real? Probably. If he’d imagined it, it would have been more cartoony colourful. And there would have been unicorns. With googly eyes. And the raptor would have had a unicorn horn. Because unicorns make everything sexy.

But there were no raptors, and no unicorns. What he did see was a channel of water - probably part of some ride. Which one?

There was a voice-over nearby, coming from his right. It sounded like David Spade and John Goodman.

“Uh oh.”

“Let me guess. We’re about to go over an impossibly high waterfall?”

“Yep.”

“Sharp rocks at the bottom?”

“Most likely.”

A pause.

“Bring it on.”

And then a ride cart came into view.

“Oh yeah!” Deadpool said. “The Emperor’s New Groovy Ride.” Which meant his target had probably been carried away by the current. And the best way to give chase...

Deadpool leapt just as the cart passed beneath him. There was an empty seat in the third row, and he missed it. Instead, the merc landed on a couple of kids in row four.

“I’m so sorry!” Deadpool said to the children, who screamed and clutched at their very-probably broken legs. “It was an accident I sweaaaahhh!” he added as the cart dropped down the incline. The landing threw him forward into the two teenagers in row two, while his left knee smacked the fat middle-aged woman in row three next to the empty seat he’d been aiming for.

“That was technically my fault too,” he said. “Everyone okay?”

What do you think? Your sword hilt bashed that guy’s teeth in, the girl’s shoulder is bleeding, Mama June beside us is unconscious and probably has a broken nose, and as for the kids in the back...

“Okay, okay! But what about those tweens in the first row?”

Them? They look fine.

“Score!”

The lab set came into view. So too did the robots fighting in it.

“Whoa, there they are!” Deadpool said. He struggled to stand up, and accidentally booted the little boy in the head and yanked on the teen girl’s hair while levering himself into the empty seat beside Mama June. He ignored the moaning of his fellow passengers as he hefted his assault rifle and took aim.

 

Sideswipe drove a kick into the wound in Slash’s side, then chopped down with his left-hand sword. The dinobot fell to his knees, his chest cut open and his spark exposed. Sideswipe readied his right sword to strike the killing blow...

A spray of sabot rounds bit into the two robots. Sideswipe ducked and turned to shoot - it was that Spider-Man character again! He held his fire, however; the human with the weapon was surrounded by a cart-load of innocents.

Slash was not so kind-hearted. He threw one of his axes, and it spun through the air toward the cart...

Sideswipe adjusted his aim and shot the axe. The weapon was made of strong metal, and the plasma blast didn’t destroy it. However, the axe’s trajectory was altered and it missed the cart by a wide margin.

Slash’s second axe did not miss. While Sideswipe was distracted saving the humans, the dinobot hacked off the Autobot’s blaster arm. Sideswipe cried out and backed away; Slash aimed his own blasters and gave him both barrels. The wounded Autobot flew backward and crashed through the far wall of the set.

Slash advanced on him, axe ready to finish the job. He could have simply shot the Autobot again, but Sideswipe had fought valiantly and deserved an honourable death.

Not what I deserve, he thought. He’d given up his honour the day he’d betrayed his fellow Knights to Lockdown. He would kill Sideswipe for the same reason he had sold out his comrades in arms - to avoid the bounty hunter’s torture. Slash hated himself for his weakness, but not enough to stop.

The sabot rounds that tore through him were a lot more persuasive: three rounds in the back, one just barely missing his spark core; two in his left leg; and one through his right shoulder.

“Stop right there, Barney!” Deadpool said, approaching the dinobot with his assault rifle aimed and ready. “I don’t love you, you don’t love me, so meet my sabot round family!”

It was a great line, it really was. A decent reference, a play on that damn song with a macho ending. Badass and cool.

Unfortunately, saying all of it gave Slash time to react. The dinobot turned and threw his remaining axe at the merc, and it would have chopped Deadpool in two if Slash’s wounds hadn’t thrown off his aim.

“Well, you suck, dinoboy,” Deadpool said, and he shot Slash to pieces with his rifle. Or he would have, if the dinobot’s axe hadn’t cleaved the weapon in half.

“Oh, mother-FUCKER!” he said, tossing the useless weapon aside and drawing Bea and Arthur. “Maximum effort it is, then.” He charged, swords ready, then leapt into the air to dodge a plasma blast. Slash fired repeatedly, but Deadpool was too agile and too quick. The merc jumped, spun and swiped hard, and Slash lost his left arm at the elbow.

“Aarg!” Slash cried, hopping out of range of Deadpool’s swing.

“Aarg?” the merc mouthed. “Did you actually say aarg? I didn’t know alien robots had a comic book vocabulary.”

“Comic?” Slash said, and he transformed. “See how comical you find this!” He lunged at Deadpool, claws primed and mouth ready to clamp down.

Deadpool dropped Bea, whipped out a pistol and shot him. Straight into his raptor mouth and out the back of his head. It wasn’t a fatal wound - Slash’s robot-mode head remained undamaged inside him - but the shock to his neural network stunned him and forced a transformation. The dinobot fell backward, his brain a mess and his body vulnerable.

Deadpool holstered his gun and picked up his sword.

“Sorry to go all ‘Raiders’ on ya,” he said as he approached the bot. “Actually, no I’m not. You totally Han Solo’d and shot first.”

Actually, no, we did.

“Oh yeah. Whatever. Let’s just finish this guy.”

No, wait! We’ve got a better idea...

Deadpool smiled behind his mask.

“Dude,” he said, “you are sooo skull-fucked.”

 

In another part of the ride, Sideswipe lay in a mess of himself. He was at the bottom of another channel drop, next to an animatronic, non-plussed looking crocodile. At the top of the drop, a voice-over said, “Pull the lever,” followed quickly by, “wrong lever!” At the end of that line, a cart full of humans would splash down, emerging from the tunnel next to the crocodile. The voice-over would say, “Why do I even have that lever?” while the cart continued on its way.

Except the carts, and the current in the channel, had stopped. Someone in charge had clearly realized there was an alien firefight going on and stopped the ride.

Sideswipe was in no shape to move. He waited for Slash or the Spider-Man guy to emerge from the hole in the wall above him and finish him off. Best-case scenario? They killed each other, and then the human authorities would arrive. And finish him off.

He’d had a good run on planet Earth, from his arrival in Brazil as he hunted Demolishor to the battle of Chicago where he’d gotten a few licks in with Sentinel Prime. He’d fought valiantly alongside his fellow Autobots and human allies, until the other humans betrayed them. He’d let his guard down, but so had all the others, including Optimus Prime. And he’d lived to see the defeat of Megatron and his chief lieutenants. He’d been part of history.

If he was to die, at least he’d die on his own terms. He’d fought hard, and he’d saved a few lives doing so. An Autobot warrior could not ask for more than that.

Something red splashed down into the channel in front of him. Too small to be the dinobot. Spider-Man, then. The human had beaten a cybertronian warrior, and was about to kill another. Sideswipe could not help but be impressed.

The human in red swam to the edge and climbed out.

“Hi,” he said. He had an unusually large bulge in the crotch of his pants. Another weapon, most likely.

“I will not beg for my life, Spider-Man,” Sideswipe said. “All I ask is...”

“Spider-Man? No, Turbo, I’m not that guy,” the human replied. “The name’s Deadpool.”

“I see,” the Autobot said. “All I ask of you, Deadpool, is a warrior’s death.”

“Oh, I’m not gonna kill you, Scooter,” the merc told him. “I mean, I was. And I’m still gonna get paid for doing it, but I’m not here to waste you. In fact, I’m gonna help you get out of here. Which we need to do now, by the way. This place’ll be swarming with all kinds of bad news real soon, and you don’t look like you can fight your way out of a Toys R Us in February. So here’s my plan...”

Deadpool told Sideswipe his plan. The Autobot listened, then pointed out the obvious flaw.

“I don’t have the energon to move, let alone scan and replicate,” he said.

“I thought that might be a problem,” Deadpool unzipped his pants. “Will this help?”

“Is that...?”

“Yep.”

“What are you doing to him?” Sideswipe asked, looking at the head and spark core of the dinobot Slash. Deadpool held the spark core in his hand, but Slash’s head seemed attached to the human’s body by some other means. Looking closer, Sideswipe noticed a protruding part of Deadpool’s body, currently engorged with blood, jammed into one of the dinobot’s eye sockets.

“This... is... NOT... honourable!” the head said.

“That,” Sideswipe said, “will do nicely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Captain Nemo ride described in the last chapter is a part of Disney World, or it was when I visited back in 1986! As far as I know, however, there is no Frozen: On Ice or The Emperor's New Groovy Ride. I made them up because A) Frozen: On Ice is just funny, and B) The Emperor's New Groove is my favourite Disney movie, and it deserves more love. Seriously, go check it out, you won't be sorry!


	7. Disney World Is Not Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool and Sideswipe become buddies, and escape Disney World together. Attinger is not happy. Neither is Lockdown.

“That raptor was Sideswipe?” Attinger spat into his phone.

“That’s what I said,” Deadpool informed him. “He lost a lot of mass after our fight in the parking lot. He managed to get to the Jurassic World ride and scanned one of the animatronics, then made a break for it. If I hadn’t been able to hotwire that VW to chase him, he would’ve escaped and this entire operation would have been for nothing.”

Attinger frowned. His gut instinct said Deadpool was full of shit, but his story did match the facts; a yellow VW Beetle had been seen confronting the raptor before both had smashed into the Frozen arena. That building had completely collapsed due to fire damage; Attinger knew he wouldn’t be able to verify the rest of the mercenary’s story until that car was found in the rubble.

“I shot him full of holes, then ripped out his spark core for good measure. What’s left isn’t going anywhere, so send your guys in to get it.”

“And the limbs you recovered from St. Augustine,” Attinger said. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about those.”

“You might as well forget them. Sideswipe blew up the limo, limbs and all.”

Attinger clenched his teeth and put a hand to his forehead. He hated what he was about to say, but Savoy still hadn’t come out of his coma.

“That’s all right, forget about that,” he forced out. “We are transferring the money to your account now. Stay in touch, we...” say it, get it over with, “...we may have need of you in the future.”

“Okay! I’ll be waiting for your call!”

The mouthy merc hung up. Attinger tossed his cellphone aside and buried his face in his hands. If there was anyone else, anyone at all...

“Mr. Attinger, are you all right?” asked a hapless aide.

“I’m fine, I’m fine!” he snapped. “Just get on with the demonstration.”

 

Deadpool tossed his phone onto one of Sideswipe’s seats and steered the Autobot past Epcot Center on their way to Disney World’s closet boarder. Emergency services were concentrated in the area where they’d left Slash’s headless remains, and wouldn’t make their way this far into the park for a while yet. No one would see them escape, provided they didn’t miss any of the security cameras.

“Camera!” Sideswipe called out.

“Got it!” Deadpool replied, and he shot a regular round from his assault rifle. Thirty metres away, the unlucky device disintegrated.

“Nice shot, human,” the Autobot said.

“Not as good as this one!” Deadpool aimed and destroyed a camera hidden in a palm tree forty metres away.

“I didn’t even see that one!” Sideswipe said. “And I’ve been scanning.”

“It’s what I do,” the merc replied. “If you think it’s a good hiding place for a camera, it usually is.”

With Deadpool’s help, Sideswipe had used the ex-dinobot’s spark to recharge and repair himself. They’d escaped from the Emperor’s New Groovy Ride, then Sideswipe had scanned and disguised himself as a people-mover. He’d waited while Deadpool had gone to fetch his severed limbs - and use the blaster in the arm to blow up the limo. While the assembled authorities investigated that, he and the merc began their escape.

“I know a guy named Weasel,” Deadpool had told his new bestie. “He can probably fix you up with your other parts, get you back on your wheels again. And by the time those Cemetery Wind assholes figure out you aren’t the body we left back there, I’ll still be paid and we’ll both be long gone.”

“Why are you helping me?” Sideswipe asked. “You were trying to kill me earlier. And nearly succeeded.”

“What can I say? I’ve got a soft spot,” Deadpool said. “They told me you were a bad guy, and I’ve got no problem putting bad guys down. But you put yourself at risk saving lives back there. That’s a big deal. Definite good guy behaviour. You don’t deserve to die, Wipes. Not even for three million. Which I got anyway because they think dino-bitch is you.”

“I heard that!” said the muffled voice of the bodyless Slash, currently locked into one of Sideswipe’s storage compartments.

“And if they hadn’t paid you?” the Autobot asked, and Deadpool considered his answer carefully.

“Then I’d have gone after them, Wipe-Out,” he said. “Gotta pay the ‘Pool. Stop here,” he added. “This is where we jump the fence.”

 

Jump it they did, and made good their escape. Sideswipe kept his sensors pointed upward; if a drone or jet approached, he would know about it. Satellites were another matter, but they had the advantage that no one was currently looking for them.

Almost no one. Behind them, unseen and undetected, a Steeljaw unit leapt the fence and followed. Everything its eyes saw, Lockdown saw.

Lockdown considered and dismissed the notion of informing Attinger of the merc’s treachery. That human had had the gall to accuse him of incompetence. And worse, he had been right - his plan to use the Legendary Warrior Slash had not been a good one. If he wanted to kill the Autobot - and show up that arrogant insect Attinger - he would have to do it himself.

Lockdown sent orders to his Steeljaws - follow the Autobot but do not engage. There might be more Autobots at whatever location Sideswipe was heading to. Let him go to ground, Lockdown thought, and then he would personally pull that ground out from under him.

Satisfied, the gunmetal bounty hunter returned to his sifting of human media and communications for a sign of Optimus Prime.

 

Deadpool and Sideswipe finally made it to the nearest highway. An 18-wheeler sat on the side of the road, waiting for them. Sideswipe hoped the rig might have been Optimus Prime, but no such luck.

A nerdy guy climbed out of the cab.

“That’s Weasel,” Deadpool said. “He’s the one who’s gonna fix you up. Weasel, meet the Autobot Sideswipe.”

“Hey, ‘Pool. Hey, ‘Wipe,” he said. “Come around back. Let’s pack the stuff up and get going.”

Sideswipe and Deadpool walked around to the back of the truck and loaded the Autobot’s arms and leg. Then Sideswipe climbed inside and sat down among them.

“I can fix myself up, actually,” he told Deadpool. “Just give me Slash’s spark core and I’ll begin reintegrating my limbs into my mass. I appreciate your help, but the sooner I’m able to leave, the safer you two will be.”

“Oh, we’ll be fine,” Deadpool said, and he nodded at Weasel. “Besides, we don’t want you to leave just yet.”

“Cemetery Wind will keep hunting for me,” Sideswipe said.

“Don’t you worry,” Deadpool said. “Where we’re taking you, you’ll never be found.”

Sideswipe didn’t like the tone in the merc’s voice. He didn’t like the thousands of volts that fried his circuits, either. Sideswipe collapsed to the floor of the trailer, and Deadpool closed the doors and sealed him in.

“Sorry, Wiper,” the merc said. “But this is for my own good.”

“I can’t believe you got me alien robot tech!” Weasel gushed when Deadpool joined him in the cab. “This totally makes up for what you did to me in Vegas.”

“What happened there stays there, Weasel,” the merc said. “You get new toys, you make me new toys. That’s the deal.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t be an asshole,” Weasel said, starting the truck.

“Too late for that,” Deadpool said, pulling Slash’s head and spark out of his pants. “Definitely way too late for that.”

The truck rolled off down the highway, taking the helpless cybertronians away.

And the Steeljaw followed.


	8. Epilogue: Attinger's Arsenal

Harold Attinger swallowed a couple of Asprin, rubbed his temples, then turned back to the demonstration before him. He stood inside a bunker, looking out over a vast area of the Everglades swampland.

Several gunboats sped toward the bunker at a high rate of knots. One of them was an Autobot, designated Depth Charge, captured in the Gulf of Mexico. Another was a Decepticon, designated Undertow. The other five were drones, equipped with advanced combat A.I. and under the command of the two Transformers.

Attinger waited. He’d personally told both combatants they could earn their freedom if they made it past the bunker. It was a lie; upon reaching the bunker, the explosives in their heads and spark chambers would detonate and kill them. Of course, if that happened, the entire staff at UD 84 would find their employment as dead as the ‘bots.

The fleet closed in, Depth Charge leading and Undertow bringing up the rear. Or, more likely, Undertow wanted to use the others as a shield. More fool him; he was the first to go. A massive set of metallic jaws burst out of the water and crushed the Decepticon, then splashed down out of sight.

At the same time, twin bursts of plasma punched straight through the two drones who’d taken up flanking positions on either side of Depth Charge, destroying them. The other two drones took evasive action. The Autobot, however, stayed his course and went on the offensive. He fired a spread of rockets at the bunker, then followed it up with plasma weapons of his own.

The two technicians on either side of Attinger backed away from the monitor, but he did not. He smiled. He knew what was coming.

The bunker rose up out of the water, the Autobot’s ordnance exploding harmlessly against it. At the same time, a large head on a long neck surfaced behind the Autobot. The two were joined; the bunker was in fact the body of a robotic brontosaurus. Twin plasma cannons mounted above the creature’s front legs also came into view.

The brontosaurus’ head came around and grabbed the back of Depth Charge with its teeth. The Autobot struggled to transform and fight back as the enormous dinosaur lifted him from the water.

Nearby, a robotic crocodile crushed the last drone in its jaws. Then it swam to shallow waters and transformed into a hulking bipedal automaton. Its right arm continued to change, becoming a plasma cannon.

The brontosaurus raised its neck and threw Depth Charge high into the air. Both its plasma cannons targeted and fired, as did the crocodile robot’s arm. A moment later, the Autobot’s component parts rained down into the swamp, joining the wreckage of his ill-fated fleet.

“Fantastic,” a technician said. “Units Slog and Skullcruncher performed perfectly.”

“That could have gone a lot faster,” Attinger replied. “Especially Slog. He should never have let the Autobot get so close. Nevertheless, their performance was adequate. Have them sent to Mexico immediately for deployment.”

The End


End file.
